Becoming a Loving and Close Stepfamily
By Stephanie Bennett, Wyoming Healthy Marriage Initiative

Bringing two households together into a stepfamily is a tough job! There are often unrealistic expectations, poor models portrayed in the media, and little thanks associated with this task; however, with the right set of tools, the right attitude, a lot of love and determination, you can succeed at one of the toughest tasks you’ll ever tackle.

“[Step-parenting] is an easy job to get, and there are many of us out there,” says The Enlightened Stepmother (by Perdita Kirkness Norwood and Teri Wingender). However, society still doesn’t talk much about being a stepfamily, except with often unrealistic views such as those seen on The Brady Bunch and movies like Stepmom or even the evil Stepmother in Cinderella. These views aren’t helpful, they don’t look much like real life, and put a lot of pressure on all of the step-parents who are working hard to make their stepfamily a success. Now is the time to let go of those stereotypes!

Step-parents look just like you and me…they are brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, bankers, mail carriers, and best friends. They work at their career or they work at home. They love ice cream; maybe they exercise regularly like we do (ha!). They laugh, they cry, and they even loose their temper once in a while. I have yet to see a single wart on the long, pointy nose of a step-mom, nor have I met a step-father who is evil or wicked.

The reality is that most step-parents have no idea what they’re really getting into when they decide to enter stepfamily life, much less have the tools to effectively make the transition. Some alternate between feeling angry about the changes they feel expected to make to accommodate every other member of the stepfamily, feeling guilty for the thoughts they have about their new stepfamily, feeling resentful, feeling exhausted, frustrated and even stressed…and often those feelings fluctuate within mere minutes! Step-parents are often extremely hard on themselves for not being able to gracefully create the step-family of their dreams.

Becoming a loving and close stepfamily isn’t easy; it can force you to look at aspects of yourself you didn’t know were there, what you want most, what your needs are and what you can create with your new stepfamily. With the right tools, dedication to the family, a positive attitude, and a lot of time, your new stepfamily will become a family to be proud of!

You can have the loving and close stepfamily you’re dreaming of! There are effective, practical, step-by-step tools to make stepfamily life easier. You don’t have to suffer, you don’t have to be ashamed to be called a stepfamily, and you do not have to keep one foot out the door at all times. Becoming a solid, cohesive stepfamily takes determination, love and most importantly time, but you can create a stepfamily that really works!

Here are a few tips your stepfamily can use to become the loving and close stepfamily you set out to be:

1. Ease into the step-parent role; try to be flexible and patient. 
2. Hold regular family meetings to give all family members a chance to share their concerns and be involved in family decisions.
3. Be sure to discuss rules, methods of discipline, an other important issues with your new partner.
4. Nurture your couple relationship; spend time together as a couple without the children, be open and honest with one another and practice good communication skills.
5. Establish some new traditions and respect the prior traditions as well. Traditions help create a sense of identity and solidarity.
6. Find activities the entire family can enjoy together, this will help family members get to know each other better, strengthen family bonds, and create lasting memories.
7. Encourage all family members to spend time together one-on-one, this will help with bonding.
8. Assure children that love is bountiful and that there’s enough love for everyone.
9. Accept the child’s other biological parent; you don’t have to like them, but remember your child loves them and needs that respect from  you.
10. Try to learn as much as possible about child development and effective parenting. Take a class, read books or join support groups; you and your stepfamily will greatly benefit from it.