Setting your Couple's New Year Resolutions

At the beginning of a new year, we often take the time to re-evaluate and re-examine our goals and dreams for the upcoming year. We often vow to eat less sweets, exercise daily, get more sleep, be kinder to our families, and to finish some of the unfinished projects lying around our homes. I would like to propose that this year we all vow a different New Year’s Resolution – Making our Relationships with our Spouse and Family Priority Number One!

In the book, Empowering Couples: Building on Your Strengths by Olson and Olson, it points to the old saying that defines three things we each need in our lives: Something to Do, Something to Love and Something to Hope For. Olson and Olson continue by adding that we, “all need hopes and dreams for the future. If you we do not have a goal, we may not feel motivated to keep going through tough times.”

Goals give us direction for our future, something to aim for. We each have personal goals: to finish college, to be a better parent, to learn French, or simply to finish the remodeling on the house. But, how many of us have “Couple’s Goals?” Couple’s Goals are designed to facilitate closeness, emotional bonding and goal achievement, and according to Olson and Olson, our goals are, “an expression of who we are, so they touch on a myriad of deeply personal issues and feelings.”

Our goals also reflect who we would like to be, or in the case of Couple’s Goals, where we want our relationship to be. You may be wondering what goals we can set as a couple, here are a few suggestions: To increase your communication skills; To learn how to argue fair and without yelling; To spend more time together as a couple; To commit to a date night once a month this year; To learn some new parenting skills; or simply To make your relationship a priority.

The goals we set, for ourselves, as a couple or even as a family, are directly influenced by our belief in ourselves and what we believe we can and cannot achieve. Our goals will highlight our desires, fears, hopes and joys, but defining our goals isn’t always easy! But the challenges that come with setting and achieving our goals will make the rewards so much more meaningful. Olson and Olson have a few suggestions for Achieving your Goals:

Define and Prioritize Goals – Taking the time to reflect and to really define your goals will help you break from the norm and achieve great things in your marriages, relationships and in your families. Olson and Olson suggest the need to challenge ourselves with new activities and to be proactive in giving our goals focus and direction. Then review your goals and prioritize according to what things are most important in your life.

Visualize Goals –Once you have defined and prioritized your goals, you need to focus or visualize them. Taking to the old adage that we become what we think we are, if couple’s will focus on the goals as if they’ve already been achieved, you will achieve them. If you want to strengthen your relationship, imagine taking a class together, having enjoyable conversations, and laughing out loud as you walk hand in hand, Olson suggests. Hold those thoughts close and then do what you need to do everyday to bring yourself one step closer.

Keep Trying – Do not give up when your goals are not easily achieved or you hit a bump in the road, just keep trying and you reach your goal. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes or to try, try, try again! Olson states that, “mistakes give you an opportunity to examine behaviors and habits and to understand the connection between new actions and new outcomes.” So, keep trying, you’ll get there!

Break Large Goals into Smaller Steps –Sometimes when we see only the big picture of our goals, they can seem unattainable, but it we can break the goal down into smaller, more manageable pieces, we’ll not only see more achievements, and also the task won’t seem so big. If your goal is relationship improvement, then you can break that down into the small things that you do each day…these are all a step towards meeting that overall goal.

Recognize Achievement, No Matter how Small – As you go through this process together, remember to celebrate the small and even mundane victories! If your last argument didn’t last as long as it previously would have, then pat each other on the back! If your husband remembered to pick up his socks, make sure to say “Thanks!” If your wife is caught enjoying the game with you, remember to thank her for spending time with you. Each of these daily achievements is moving you towards your goal of improving your relationship!

Coming together is a beginning;
Keeping together is progress;
Working together is success.